Sexual Abuse Pt. 2

What Are the Effects of Child Sexual Abuse?

The effects of sexual abuse extend far beyond childhood. Sexual abuse robs children of their childhood and creates a loss of trust, feelings of guilt and self-abusive behavior. It can lead to antisocial behavior, depression, identity confusion, loss of self-esteem and other serious emotional problems. It can also lead to difficulty with intimate relationships later in life. The sexual victimization of children is ethically and morally wrong.

A history of childhood sexual abuse leads to a lower health-related quality of life and a greater number of health problems, psychiatric symptoms and diagnoses. Research shows that survivors of childhood sexual abuse have "more medical problems, higher medical use, more physical symptoms, lower health status, and more medical procedures. High levels of anxiety and depression in survivors of childhood sexual abuse can lead to self-destructive behaviors, such as alcohol and drug abuse. Because of the association between sexual behavior and pain and violation, survivors of childhood sexual abuse often develop problems with intimate relationships in general, including difficulties during sexual contact and dysfunctions of desire and arousal. (2)

WOW again! Do you think that if one KNEW of all of these possible effects that they would purposefully do this to someone? Sadly…yes.

Now…let me share my experiences. (I will spare you every detail and just give you the main points) I don’t know…maybe I had an invisible tattoo on my forehead that said “Touch Me” because I have had several encounters with this. Some more extreme than others but compiled on top of on another magnifies the minor. 

The first experience was when I was 9. The person lured me away from everyone and became VERY affectionate with me then eventually fondling/penetration with his hands. At this moment, I did not know what to do…I just knew I had to get away so I made up a lie. I told him that I some “special deodorant” that I had to use and that I had left it in the house (kinda slick for a 9 yr old…lolJ)…somehow he let me go get it and when I got in the house (which was full of people), I never went back outside. I could only imagine what would have happened had I stayed of had he not let me go.  This was a person that I did not know well but that I trusted because he was a family member. This was the first step of breaking my spirit. Although the event was not forceful or like a strong attack…it was. It was a door to all the above mentioned things to come to pass that was forcefully opened that night; a STRONG attack on my spirit. 

 Trust was broken for not only this guy but for men in general. The ability to be vulnerable was weakened and a fence was beginning to be built. Of course you cannot see these effects right away but they are there. This was just the start of it all.

At 15, I had the other more serious experience. Same things as when I was 9 happened. This time, I actually disassociated for the first time. I just kind of check out while it was happening. There was no feelings, no hurt, no pain, no cares, no me…I was gone. Of course I was aware of what was happening but I was like a zombie just waiting for it to be over.

QUESTION: Why didn’t you run? Or try to protect yourself?

I did not physically run but…at that point I learned how to mentally run and emotionally hide. There were 5 other situations that happened between the ages of 9 and 15 that added to these two experiences making the impact great.

In general, childhood sexual abuse is associated with a greater risk of: Disturbances in sexual interest; Difficulties during sexual contact; Dysfunctions of desire, arousal or orgasm; Seductive behaviors, compulsive activity and prostitution; Precocious sexual behavior; Confusion of sexuality and nurturing behavior; Sexually transmitted diseases; Unintended pregnancy; Eating disorders; Excessive weight gain; Depression; Anxiety; Self-destructive behavior; Alcoholism; Drug abuse; Panic attacks; Insomnia and sleep problems; Relationship problems; Revictimization; Suicide; Self-mutilation; Increased risk for sexually transmitted disease; Identity disturbances; and Involvement in physically abusive relationships as adults.(2)

            Ok so…I did not get all these issues and not everyone does but I definitely got some of this going on. Let me explain how it affected me. Promiscuity was the biggest. (no disturbances in interest here)

Because I could disassociate so easily…it didn’t matter.  Sex was not love…it was sex. No feelings really, no emotion…it was like, whatever. Some say people like this are looking for something or just plain ole hoes…I am here to tell you that this is not always true. It’s like your body be amp for it even though you have no connection it to. I guess like a prostitute…they just do their job and move on. This hindered relationships because those who showed interest, I did not see it…I was removed from intimacy. I was like ok…ya done…I’ll call ya next time. Sad but true. My body was not in sync with my mind or spirit…it was just all by itself.

·        Confusion of sexuality and nurturing behavior.

Yeah this one is crazy! This happens because they are all rolled up into one in your mind. At 9 years old when affection or nurturing quickly turns into a sexual act…the line get blurred. I now realize that not everyone who shows me love wants to fondle me or touch me. But…when this has happened on SO many occasions, it is hard to keep the two separate.

·   Depression; Anxiety; Self-destructive behavior; Drug abuse; Panic attacks; Insomnia and sleep problems; Relationship problems; Suicide; Identity disturbances

Yep, all of this was/I me.  Some of these things were numbing medicine….trying to quiet the stuff going on inside. I only tired suicide once and was too scared to try it again but…it was just another way to escape. As far as depression, I did not have to really deal with that because I stayed so high, it didn’t matter. Marijuana put the happy back momentarily. I have tired just about every drug I could get in my town except for heroin but Marijuana was the cure all. Many people self-medicate that’s why when I hear others talking about addicts…it saddens me.  One may never know WHY people to what they do so…one should just leave to alone if they cannot offer a solution.

Identity Disturbance:  An individual with a distorted or inconsistent self-view. Identity disturbances most often occur when an adolescent does not fully form a self-image, or self-concept, because of emotional or physical abuse, trauma, neglect or another form of emotional wounds that affect the self and emotions. The disturbance affects the individual's lifestyle and relationships immediately and later in life.(3)

An identity disturbance does not mean you are crazy, it means you don’t value who you are. You cannot see you and you don’t want anyone else to see you either. You may also pattern after others to shape you.