I wanna die!

I use to Pray to Die...even tried to take my own life once and use to think about it often.
When I was 13...I just felt useless and like no one cared. At 13 [in retrospect] I had not gone through enough to feel like this...but I did. One night when my mom was working, I was at my grandmother's house and decided to end it all. I went to my grandmother drawer and got ALLLLLL the pills I could find and a bottle of NyQuil. I put the pills into a pile and took them one-by-one, then I prayed to be taken from this place of insanity. My mom picked me up...I went home and as I lay in my bed I just Prayed and Prayed that I would NOT wake up. The next morning [lol]...I woke up MAD and Very sick but still went to school cuz I did not wanna tell my mom what I did [she still doesn't know...unless she reads this]. I remember being in gym class just sick as a dog...but I was yet alive. I threw up my guts several times but...still breathing. It was that year that I got a glimpse into my future. I took a career test and it said I was to be a clergy...I THEN kinda understood why I did not die. I had taken enough pills to kill ten thousand but...I lived. THANK YOU GOD!!!

Since that time, Life has not been easy and there were more thoughts but I was scared. I thought that if I tried again that I would be unsuccessful and possible scared for life. I thought about starting my car in the garage and sealing the entrances...driving in front of a train, driving off a cleft...whatever non-prolonging method possible. [Crazy huh?]
THEN one day...things changed...I realized I DID DIE! But not in the natural...I died to self. TGBTG! [To God Be The Glory]. I died to my own selfish ways, my insecurities, my thoughts of unworthiness and I found life!

As years went by...I indulged in MANY life threatening activities and guess what...I was praying to live! My thoughts changed and I NOW understood my destiny. The enemy wanted nothing more that to take me from this Earth...he saw in me what I did not and killing me would have damned many souls. NO, I'm not boasting or puffing myself up...I am merely stating fact. The Call on me is something great for the Kingdom and there are those that I have been assigned to, he [the enemy] knew that but silly me had no clue.

TODAY [Thank You Father]...I am STILL standing and CONSCIENCE!

I DID die that night but not in the flesh...I died to my own intentions and will...my life became God's.

Beloved...YOU have a PURPOSE! and God will COMPLETE THAT WHICH HE WAS STARTED IN and THROUGH YOU! SPIRITUAL DEATH IS NOT YOURS...YOU ARE A STRANGER TO IT...LIFE IS YOURS! You shall LIVE to declare God's Goodness.

Many of us should have been gone a long time ago but we have been Preserved for such a time as this.
TAKE HOLD OF LIFE...DO GOOD FOR THE KINGDOM...LIVE!